Week of April 13, 2026

Here’s a rundown of my week.

Primate

Rabid chimps hate Dora the Explorer.

But they love ripping human faces from their skulls.

Such is the lesson of Primate.

This movie tells the story of Ben, a friendly pet of a chimpanzee who literally goes ape shit crazy after contracting rabies. This must see of a movie for Punch the Monkey fans sees Ben toss a human off a cliff to his death, rip the lower jaw off a stoner, bludgeon to death some medium-hot chick with a rock, beat the hell out of a deaf guy, rip the face off a friendly vet, smash a TV whose only crime was to show Dora begging the audience to chant, “Swiper, no swiping,” and much, much more.

Primate is a fun and very educational look at the dangers of owning a primate. I highly recommend you grab a 12 pack and enjoy.

Primate is rated R for violence, realistic monkey on human crime, and drug and alcohol use. Be warned that there is no nudity unless you count the chimp not wearing pants.

Raquel Welch

Here’s a picture of Raquel Welch in a bikini next to my book Tiger Tales from the Acuña Cartel

I reached out to Raquel to ask about posting this pic but, alas, it turns out she’s dead.

I think she would have approved though.

Don’t you?

Tiger Tales from the Acuña Cartel: A Jett Turner Misadventure: Book #1

Welcome to the insanity that is my life.

The name’s Jett Turner and my early retirement to a lake on the Texas – Mexico Border was supposed to be fun and easy going. It didn’t involve me writing up the twisted exploits of the head of the Acuña Cartel, reporting such to the DEA, or watching pandas blow up, people being fed to tigers, or learning about the bodily functions of the tortured. In addition, I have to deal with a morbidly obese shut in, a woman hell bent on collecting the last of my student loans, a hairless chimp named Patty, a giant named Koko, a housekeeper set on cleansing my soul, and a sexual deviant, Larry McMurtry quoting professor. Toss in a beautiful call girl named Laredo Rose, a cheerleader of a waitress with her jaw wired shut, and a traitor of a dog that listens to everyone but me and you get an idea of what I have to deal with on a daily basis.

This first misadventure that is my life is rated R for language, crude humor, and insanely bizarre circumstances but rates an A+ for all of the aforementioned and entertainment value.

John Denver Titty Bar

CLICK HERE to read about this incredible true story!

June Bug

When I come across a June bug in the garage, I’ll pick it up and throw it as hard as I can against the wall. It doesn’t kill it. It probably doesn’t even hurt it. But it lets it know what I think of it.

Plus, I like the sound a June bug makes on impact with the wall.

Strait of Hormuz

“Daddy, what’s the Strait of Hormuz?”
A question a child might ask but not a childish question. Now, Time Life Books and author Gayne C. Young, bring you the answers you need.

Ok.

Probably not.

Baby Jessica

In October 1987, society came together to pull Baby Jessica from the well.

In April 2026, adult Jessica was arrested in Midland, Texas for domestic family violence.

My how time flies.

Baby Jessica #2

I have replaced Baby Jessica with one of my books. I think that makes for a better picture now that she’s out there beating up her husband.

Faith Hell at HEB

It happened again.
There I am, enjoying my local HEB, bopping up and down the aisle to Faith Hill’s This Kiss playing overhead, only to run into a morbidly obese family, three out of four members of which are dressed in pajamas. Ill fitting, sweat and filth-stained pajamas. Why? Why go out in public in nasty sleepwear? Why disrespect one of the Lone Star State’s most revered institutions with your crusty appearance and rank body odor? I just don’t get it. Faith would be appalled. Howard E. Butt would be disgusted. Do better Texans! Please, do better!

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